Are you an only-child and a parent?
I am interested in doing some research for my new book on only-children as parents. I would be very happy to receive any experiences or thoughts you can offer that describes how you felt about having a child and about the number of children you either wanted or had.
I would also like you to consider questions such as:
What was it like to be a parent?
What you enjoyed?
What was a challenge?
Did the parent role fit easily?
How did you cope with sibling rivalry in your children?
Has it affected your sense of being an only?
And of course anything else you might like to share!
I look forward to hearing from you....
posted by Bernice @ OCA @ 7:53 AM
6 Comments
6 Comments:
I am the parent of an only child - a daughter with two children, divorced and currently in a difficult relationship. I have been reading this evening about only child adults. One thing I have always found very frustrating is that I have felt I needed to explain why I only had one child. It took four pregnancies - one child lived for three days (a son) and my "only" daughter born two years later was a miracle. I was from a family of six siblings. It saddens me that my daughter will never experience the special bond siblings share. It angers me for people to assume she is spoiled and I defend that! In some ways, as I reflect back, I suppose she was spoiled. I wonder how that and other aspects of being an only child has affected her adult reltionships. I will stay posted to read the comments of other only child adults. I may suggest she read this blog as well. But she may have trouble finding time. She stays quite busy being a single mom of an eight year old boy and thirteen year old girl, and a high school chemistry teacher. Yes, she is quite independent, self-motivated and intelligent, and is somewhat of a perfectionist. She needs reassurance more than I think is good for her. She strives to be the "best" (and often is) at anything she does. She is very lonely.
Thank you for your post. I think it is hard for only child parents to accept the prejudice of the stereotype of the spoiled only child and many people go too far the other way to combat it. Thankfully it sounds as if you didn't! You daugter has many obvious onlychild traits but also the need for reassurance which is common as many oac's appear far more independent and confident than they actually feel. Thanks again for your contribution.
Bernice
Hello, Bernice.
I am an only child, married to an only child! (I am also adopted, but my husband isn't. We have two adult children.
What was it like to be a parent?
Not to seem difficult, but I don't know that I know what it would be like to be a parent any other way, but I would say that we did struggle when they had problems with each other, because we really missed having bro and/or sisters...especially me. They are not close now, and it breaks my heart. I also loved having a family. We did dedicate a lot of our time and heart to it.
What you enjoyed?
I really enjoyed having children, and wished we would have had more. We didn't because of finacial concerns. There isn't much I didn't enjoy about having children. I was determined to take in every moment. I had wonderful parents, so had great role models.
What was a challenge?
Challenges were normal, I believe. Staying at home with little ones was wonderful and exhausting. I would say that it was lonely without aunts/uncles/cousins to share them with.
Did the parent role fit easily?
I really believe it did.
How did you cope with sibling rivalry in your children?
We gave into it, knowing we didn't have a lot of experience to draw from. We resisted any urges (and I think they were small) to say you should love your brother/sister.
Has it affected your sense of being an only?
Gosh, I don't know. I do still feel very, very loney without more family (both our parents had to move away from extended family before we were born or shortly after), my parents died quite some time ago, our son and family live 1000 miles away, our daughter lives in this city but has a demanding job and large family on her husband's side. Also, we both had "smothering" mothers, so have resisted that with our kids, and likely have gone somewhat overboard as we don't want to have them feel stifled by us hovering over them.
And of course anything else you might like to share!
I guess, what I would like to share is that lonliness. Had I married someone with some siblings or had extended family, things would be very different, I know. I just figure these are the cards I've been dealt.
I am married to an adopted only child husband. It was the most moving experience to see him hold his first born son ( we have 3 kids ) and look into the face of someone who looked just like him! He does not look at all like his adopted wonderful parents and he always really missed that sense of physical connectedness -- looking like someone else.
Through the years however, I do think he has been jealous of his children and the time and attention they get from me, his wife, and from his parents. Now that they are teens and early 20's, He really seems like he is ready for them to be independent and get on their own. We have a close family, love each other and no big issues. He just wants to be the center of attention again.
yes I am a single child with a single child and I have encouraged him from a very young age to be social and outgoing becasue I was a very shy child and I have found it difficult to make friends. I do have friends but I always wanted to be the person that was extremly popular that everybody called and envited them to go out and do stuff with but I am not. I have adopted an other only child as my brother when I was 19, he was 17 and it is nice to say that I have a brother but I don't see him as much as I would like.
I am an only child. My parents were both only children as was my first husband. I was absolutely determined not to continue this pattern and had two children. Parenthood seemed to come quite naturally though it had its challenges and I did find sibling rivalry difficult to deal with but common sense told me it was OK. I think that growing up without that social learning encvironment and under the intense scrutiny of two parents has affected my ability to make relationships - and to understand that conflict can be resolved. When my husband died I felt the intensity of dealing on my own with my grief and that of two teenage daughters alone. I would be heartbroken now if I thought that my daughters would not be there for each other.
I have remarried and my husband is the father of an only. It is hard to talk about how I feel about being an only to him as I feel my hatred of my status would be hurtful to him.
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